I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize