i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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