I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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