she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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