How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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