Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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