Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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