I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
