I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
