not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
