new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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