Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
