Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
