he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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