Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
