I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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