just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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