Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
