I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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