bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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