i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
