Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
