I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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