Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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