After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
