I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
