i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
