I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
