I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
