How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
