So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize