She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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