He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
