someone threw a dead crab at me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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