I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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