Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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