guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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