my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
