Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize