Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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