woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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