To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
