my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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