Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
