we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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