respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
