broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
