my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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