We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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