my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You smell like stripper and shame
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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