he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
