well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
