i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
